the best fuckin garlic dressing you’ll ever fuckin eat

Me and garlic dressing go way back. It’s my mom’s go-to for spaghetti night side salads and chopped romaine heaped with grilled chicken and oversized croutons. It’s got the creaminess of a ranch and the bite of a real-deal caesar. It’s a dressing that can accompany pizza crusts and chicken tenders just as easily as it can douse crisp greens. It doesn’t hurt either that it’s ridiculously simple to make. I make a batch at least every couple weeks to have on hand whenever I’m hungry and high and need to make kale palatable.

I will warn mayo bigots that this dressing does rely heavily on the stuff. For those who have entered adulthood and still fear mayo, all I have to say to you is get the heck over yourself. Also, if you’ve ever dipped a fry in chipotle aioli, you do like mayo, you’re just in denial about it.

In any case, I’m a big fan of vegan mayos. They not only have fun ingredients like peas and sunflower oil, but I also feel less anxious when I leave my vegan-mayo tuna salad sandwiches in the sun (which you shouldn’t do, but whatever). If you’re open to it, Just Mayo and Vegenaise are excellent options. Even Trader Joe’s Vegan Spread & Dressing: Inspired by Mayo is pretty good despite having a name fitting for a docu-series.

So, to make my mom’s dank-as-shit garlic dressing, here’s what you need:

🔥 1 cup full-fat sour cream (Yes, get that fat. Fat is good.)

🔥 1 cup mayo (See note/admonishment above.)

🔥 2-3 tablespoons of white wine vinegar (Start with one or two and add more depending on how tangy you like your dressings.)

🔥 1/4 teaspoon hot mustard powder (This ingredient is CRUCIAL. Without it, it won’t have the subtle heat and flavor profile that takes it from an average ranch to a dressing fuck-star. Get yourself a tin and it’ll last you an eternity.)

🔥 2 healthy pinches of salt (A pinch being whatever you can fit between your fingies.)

🔥 1 shit ton of pepper (I like a lot of pepper in my creamy dressings. You do you.)

🔥 GARLIC GARLIC GARLIC (I toss in about 4-5 raw cloves, sometimes more if I’m in a self-punishing, antisocial kind of mood.)

Put all of that in a blender and, you know, blend it. For dressings, I’m a big fan of Magic Bullets and the like because they’re just the right size for a pint of dressing. Make it on Monday and it’ll last you all week. This recipe can also be adapted into a ranch or green goddess dressing depending on what herbs you feel inspired to add. It’s a solid base and one you’ll want to master. Because when you’re three weed mints deep and craving something rich and satisfying, this is the recipe you’ll reach for.

You’re welcome.